Stop immortalising your friends and let them CHANGE!
Does the preservation of relationships hinge on there being space for growth, change and re-imagination?
During a Sunday check-in with my partner the other day, he mentioned all the things he avoided doing in order to not upset me, and things he felt compelled to do to prevent the same. With this he referred to scenarios at the beginning of our relationship where things had upset or triggered me; and something about this was frustrating as they were all pressure points that in the present day wouldn’t bother me at all.
I felt compelled to frantically re-emphasise the context of our lives that informed my needs and wants in the backdrop of those scenarios.
With the permission of a safe space, I told him that although I appreciated his emotional housekeeping, ,I also couldn't be held to a 1-year-old version of myself.
Essentially the conclusion was that we both deserved to leave room for changes in our needs and wants, pet peeves or expectations for each other and this opened my mind to how this could be applied on all interpersonal human levels.
“They changed up on me. She’s not the same anymore. Our friendship feels different now!”
These statements tend to breed out of our discomfort with personal change and can also be diagnosed with a sort of entitlement to the ability to immortalise the versions of people that we prefer. Or at least the versions we are simply more comfortable with.
I think it’s safe to say, a lack of breathing room for change, self re-imagination and a failure to acknowledge either can be the death of any relationship.
I have fallen victim to losing friends out of a frustration towards the pivots they have made. Even in times where I’ve slowly observed the incremental trajectory with my own eyes, instead of opening the floor to understand the space my friend was moving in, I instead let myself drown in a pit of frustration, and fair to say disappointment, in the direction my friendship had gone in, especially in moments of need.
In many of those scenarios, my discomfort has been relatively justified; triggered by changes in political priorities, feeling unsafe in the spaces they were entering, or feeling less supported.
However, the ways in which I navigated those changes were the problem on my end, as relationships are bilateral and the little things matter.
There are some changes that will permanently disrupt the foundations of any relationship. If your friend turned around and claimed their support for Zionism or Trump, especially if your friendship began on the foundation of black radicalism, for example, (true story lol) then taking a step back and putting our hands up is necessary .
However, if a loved one simply seems to be having less in common with you or their goals have changed, talk about it.
It doesn’t always have to be about shared interests or perspectives, but opening the space to tap into changes you are individually experiencing or exploring is important and you may discover things about your friends (and family too) that you never knew.
Ask them:
Have your life/career objectives changed recently, do you have new goals
As a friend what do you need from me at the moment / how can I better support your needs right now?
Have your views on (x,y,z) changed in anyway, and why so ?
Is blue still your favourite colour?
And likewise, as a friend it is important that you open the space to acknowledged changes you have made:
Would you say I have changed in any way recently?
Are there any developments or shifts in our relationship that you are unhappy with?
Is there anything you think we could better understand about eachother?
From big to small, significant to less so - allowing people to change and tapping in with those changes, is how I believe relationships can scale decades without animosity or unacknowledged resentment.
Just as you wouldn’t immortalise this version of yourself, don’t immortalise the people around you, they’re bound to change. They have to.
Kisses, Nubia xxxx